The biggest secret I have...I'm ready to tell

Many of you know, many of you may not, many of you found out this past weekend, many of you weren't able to make it to the reunion so you have no idea, few of you see me daily and if you did, you would know...

ED AND I ARE HAVING ANOTHER BABY!!!

Oh, and unlike most announcements, I'm not 3 months pregnant. I'm not even 6 months pregnant. I enter my third trimester tomorrow. So this baby is coming soon!

But wait, you may be asking why I didn't post anything on Facebook until now.

"You seriously post a ton of stuff, every day, multiple times a day. You just forgot to mention you were pregnant?"

No, I didn't forget to mention it, well at least not for the entire last 7 months. I consciously and subconsciously did not post this info on purpose. Here are my reasons:

1. There is more to me now
With EV I posted I was pregnant literally on the first day after 3 months. I waited the obligatory amount of time to leave the "danger zone" and could not wait to post online. I loved every comment and ate it all up. My life was consumed with being pregnant, my posts were centered around Baby Viking* and that is who I became. Another first time mom. This time, life is WAY more busy and there are so many other things which define me.

*For those of you who may be new to my life, Baby Viking = Evelyn Page (EV). It is pronounced Evie just like every other Evelyn I meet at the park these days, I'm just super lazy and only want to type two letters. We don't find out gender and instead make up silly names and personalities for our kids. This one? Baby Ninja. It is super stealthy and we're not sure how we're going to "Ninja Assassin" them when they're born.

Oh, you don't know what "Ninja Assassin" is?

Isn't that what everyone else calls turning your babies head while they're sleeping so they don't get a flat spot?

Oh, no one calls it that except us?

Ok.

2. I'm busy
I don't think not posting makes this pregnancy any less important, it is more a symptom of being a full-time (super full-time) working mom with a never ending list of responsibilities. Yes, Ed stays home with EV and I give him props constantly, all the while talking myself down on my mothering ability. But I actually am a pretty kick ass mom with a very messy house, regular take-out dinners, a kid who never wants her hair brushed (and currently still smells like vomit even after 3 baths!) and a lawn which hasn't been mowed ALL SUMMER (thank goodness for the drought). It really is tough being the bread winner and mommy, anyone who says different is lying or has a full time nanny. With a lot of things to juggle I forgot numerous times I was even pregnant.

This is getting harder and harder to do since nearly every T-shirt I own now shows a little belly bottom and bending over to tie my shoes requires extra effort. Oh, and it is ridiculously obvious to everyone around. I am not one of those cute moms, I am the mom who carries high and big. Everyone says they think I look like I'm ready to pop. Note: thank you for showing interest in my pregnancy, however, THIS IS NOT A COMPLIMENT! I am not Rachel (Bubar) Jones or Shelby (Smith) Paulk who are so cute they belong in a magazine. I am Bertha the Hump-Front Whale complete with a waddle. That's ok. Baby is healthy and soon I'll get out of doing the laundry since I can barely fit between the wall and the washing machine to reach the dryer. Sweet. (Yes, our set up is very strange in the laundry room. No, I don't want suggestions on how to fix it since I hope Ed will wash all the clothes over the next 3 months.)

3. My facebook wall was full of babies
Ed and I didn't conceive right away like we did with EV. She was literally a honeymoon baby and is the most expensive and important souvenir from St. Lucia.  We got pregnant at the first possible time for us to conceive, lucky us! I know some dealing with fertility issues and I am blessed for my babies. This one took a whopping 3 months to conceive (sarcasm). It was only 3 months but it felt much longer and during that process I was so tired of hearing about everyone else's pregnancies and babies! Your kid may be really cute but when I want one too and have struck out a few times, I don't want to see your happiness. I'm sure that shows the lack of love in my heart but I was feeling pretty selfish then. And it seemed like there was a baby boom with facebook friends. People asked me if I wanted another. My answer was always, "yeah, not yet though" even though I was disappointed every time the NO came up on the stick. Like I said before though, 3 months was torture, I can't imagine not conceiving for years or ever. So anyways, I got a little tired of baby announcements, hence, no announcement.

4. The actual reason...I'm afraid
1-3 may have been reasons but the true reason I haven't announced, I was in denial. Not denial where I was smoking and drinking because I couldn't admit I was pregnant (I don't do either of those anyways). I took my vitamins (I'm never good at taking them regularly though), go to every appointment and love this baby.

I was in denial because I am deathly afraid of giving birth again. Most women seem to forget instantly about the pain of delivery when they place their baby in their arms. So did I.

Until I was pregnant again.

Note: my labor story begins now. If you want to skip it, jump over the next few paragraphs.

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With EV's delivery I was hoping to keep my pain medication to a minimum. Ed and I had a plan but completely understood this plan will go out the window. We were educated and knew many of our options for pain relief. EV was overdue and the midwife thought it best to induce. EV wasn't really moving around that much even after a non stress test and a stress test where they place an instrument on my belly which emits a very loud noise. My lazy baby wasn't budging. That worried the midwife along with the lower heart rate. I didn't want Pitocin since I felt it would unnaturally move my labor along, so we went with Cervidil. A day and a half later after 2 rounds of this, the obligatory liquid food only diet which comes with Cervidil (popsicles and jello) and forced bed rest for the medicine to soften my cervix, I still wasn't in labor. We convinced the doctors to let me go for a walk then I finally gave into Pitocin. Thankfully I went into labor naturally at this point right after I received the lowest possible dose. I was already weak from the only liquid foods and no sleep so I asked for the epidural. It only took in the very front of my stomach yet even though my legs were not affected I was forced to lay in bed. My vertebrae are squished (definitely not the technical term) and lying in that bed was only making things worse. For the remaining 7 hours of labor I went through a vicious and scary, traumatizing cycle: pass out, wake up from the stabbing back pain, freak out since I didn't know where I was or why I was in pain, nurse reminded me and that I needed to calm down, remembered I'm in labor, passed out, woke up...over and over and over. Each time it was like being in the middle of a nightmare with no escape. Eventually it was time for me to push and 3 pushes later, I had EV. There was no way I was going to stay in labor, this baby was coming out!!! I even shot her past the midwife in training! Luckily the experienced one was there to catch EV before she went off the bed (or so everyone tells me since I was preoccupied with birthing a baby). Only later did we find out the Anesthesiologist was giving me the maximum pain medication allowed and that was why I was passing out. The scariest part was I never approved these medications, Ed was never consulted and I'm pretty sure the midwife didn't even know.
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All of these emotions from labor left me feeling violated due to the medicine and traumatized by the frantic waking up. This may have been a major contributor to what I can now identify as postpartum depression. It was never bad enough where I rejected EV but I was seriously unhappy in the months after. Ed took the brunt of it, sometimes geared at him, but mostly just listening to my constant complaining and negative outlook on life.

Basically, I am still frightened by this entire process, 2 years later. I've tried discussing it with my Bloomington midwife but she has been useless. All she says is there are certain pain medicines we can try (clearly she doesn't understand my feelings on the pain medication fear) and just because it happened before doesn't mean it will happen again. Lady, you should have been giving me resources, a list of mothering groups, a suggestion for a psychologist, at least asking me what I'm actually afraid of!  I am not really comfortable with my midwife here so I don't go into details with her. Ed has been extremely helpful but only lately have I turned to God. It's strange it took me 2 trimesters to realize I have a lack of faith. This is still a major work in progress so maybe I'll post an update later after Baby Ninja is delivered.

So, those are my reasons for not posting. Why post now?

I was comfortable enough to put something online in a friend's blog which made me realize I'm not afraid as I once was. In addition, my high school reunion was last week and I was very comfortable discussing my pregnancy. It is impossible to hide yet some people at work are still clueless. Really? Do you think I drank a 12 pack of beer every day this summer? Where did this gut come from???

Really though, I think posting is part of me conquering my fears. It is time to make this real and come to terms with what happened. I need to take a major step forward in trusting God and put my fears into His hands.

Once again, it's a process.

So coming in November (the 16th apparently) will be a little baby boy or girl. Until then, they are known as Baby Ninja.